My heart was beating far too fast,
Right that’s 30seconds I can’t breath turn my ventilator on, I need my mask!
So many windows , too much light all around me,
Can’t cope with this it’s just too bright I can’t see!
“Hey it’s fine I’m just here”,
Says a voice I know I’m trying hard to hold back the tears.
“You’ve done well today, I’m so impressed “…….
” You’ve worked really hard, you’ve given it your best”.
If i could breath, if i had air in my lungs I’d YELL…
“I’m not happy with that, I don’t like it here and it can all go to hell”!
I slowly got my breath back and started to calm down.
Chatting with my trainer, made me feel safe to re try spinning that handbike around.
On the second try I was doing so much better.
Alright i know the Paralympics won’t call but i will get a heck of a lot fitter.
Oh shit I spoke to soon I’m choking to death ,I can’t breath,
“Joe , I’m here ,I’m by your side it’s ok , I won’t leave“.
I cleared my chest there’s just so much mucus.
Maybe I can’t handle all this it just seems like a fuss.
“I’ll see you tomorrow now don’t you be late!”
The instructor shouted as my hubby wheeled me out feeling quite high rate.
Tomorrow came I was filled with dread,
What the heck have I started I’ll just stay in bed!
I led there thinking about my monotonous life,
How I was a useless mother and a useless wife.
I need to fight this pain if i want to get strong,
For my children, innocent victims who have done nothing wrong.
It was nice to wheel in to see that familiar face,
Although it’s so hard when you’ve been mainly just at home to go into an unfamiliar place.
Now to exercise am I going to die today,
Secretly I’m so fed up it’s a win win either way.
I brought in a sleeping mask to cover my eyes,
I put on my music to drown out the background noise.
I escaped into my imagination,
The children and me were on vacation.
I’m keeping calm because they are with me,
And we are kayaking on a summers day on the sea.
Then we are drowning I can’t save them HELP !
I stop spinning and cough splutter and yelp….
I open my eyes the tissue is handed to me,
“Look, I’m well impressed 15mins “. “My response was I deserve a trophy!”
That was all 5 months ago,
I made a commitment, I needed help , I had nowhere to go.
I can now use the hand bike and ride 20k,
In just 80mins but I’m getting stronger each day.
All of the staff can work my breathing machine,
So when i run out of puff I don’t panic or scream.
I’m learning to try different things ,
Your life isn’t over when your condition is disabling .
You just need to exercise and try to do something each day ,
Sometimes we just need someone’s help to keep us going that way.
I’ve been lucky I’ve had a special few,
That are helping me on this journey that’s really hard to get through.
Dedicated to John Chew and Dax the rest of the staff at Blackpool Moor Park Sports Centre.