Let’s Go to the Moon

What shall I do today?

I’ll take the kids to the park to play.

Or maybe climb a hill ,

Reaching the top looking down is such a thrill.

Maybe I can go shopping,

Buy a new outfit for the weekend to go disco bopping.

Building sandcastles on the beach,

The sun so hot biting into a really juicy peach.

Go for an adventure on my bike,

Round mountains , lakes through dykes.

A bbq under the stars ,

Planning a trip to the moon and then Mars.

Maybe go to a gig to watch a live band,

Dance and laugh all night with a drink in hand.

Wake up !!!

I quickly dry my eyes,

No one to see my cries.

It was all but just a dream,

Nothing is what it seems.

The truth is hard to bare,

I’m stuck in a wheelchair.

Wait !!!

So am I going to just give up?

Is my life going to stop?

All isolated and alone,

My only company my phone.

Things have changed I’m not going to lie,

But every day I am going to try,

Go on adventures ,finding a way,

Knowing that I will definitely get there one day.

Joanne Quinnell

Someone Turned the Light On At Last !

I’ve come to a big realization this weekend. I’ve no idea if it’s due to the fact that I’ve been on anti depressants for years now and my Drs’ practice messed up, didn’t put them in my medication pack so I haven’t had any for 10 days despite trying to ring and sort it out…….

Or it may be the fact that my emotions have been all over the place as it has been really stressful at home with a number of things happening.

This time of year is always hard for so many parents trying to find pennies to make it a special day for their children. To top things off , we’ve been hit with the dreaded winter vomiting bug in this house too! My youngest even had to go into hospital with it as he was really poorly . Oh and we have vomit over most of the bedding that we own and a washing machine thats decided to brake right on cue…. Merry Christmas !

Despite all this madness I still feel a little moment of clarity.

For the last 8 years since I’ve been ill I’ve constantly been beating myself up about all the failings I felt I’ve had as a mum , wife , woman.

I have felt trapped and not in control anymore. I’ve lost all my confidence, I don’t know who I am .

I focused all my energy on getting stronger to benefit and do more in my role as a mum . I think mainly through guilt because we were so active as a family and it was such a shock when it stopped.

It’s not working. I’m not happy there are so many emotional issues around our family (not the place here to go into them) but you can imagine from the lack of support from services like young carers and other community services in the area it has taken it’s toll on everyone.

I had to take a step back. I actually wanted to wash my hands of everything as I’m so tired. Those that do know me ( not many ) but some know that I’m one determined stubborn lady at least , know that I will keep trying to see if I can find a way.

This is what I came up with….

I think I need to get stronger and build my confidence up and feel comfortable and genuinely happy in my own skin. I honestly don’t believe that I can be happy as I am and if I’m honest hoped that as soon as the kids grew to a point where I could disappear I would.

It’s totally wrong to think like this I know , I’m just being honest .

It’s not like i sit at home watching tv thinking this is going to be a rubbish day either. Partly it’s because the stuff I want to do, like doing, requires equipment and money.

There’s some lovely people in a Yorkshire mobility that will help me apply for grants but no idea what suits my needs best as it’s all about that compromise and condition then I feel guilty asking and taking people’s time but I just need to get on with it. The other thing is money. Having children I feel guilty spending on myself for myself , it doesn’t sit right. I have to say in all the 8 years its been the first time a Mobility place has ever offered such assistance which is so gratefully received.

Then there’s the other days where I just don’t feel well physically.

The truth is I deserve to be happy too and if I’m happy that will surely make me a better mum a better wife a better person?

So this is my mission and goal for 2019. Yes obviously still keeping on with building on a functional family but taking some time to build on a functional me. I need to be happy . I need to feel comfortable with me again.

Would love to hear from anyone who feels the same or has suggestions on how to achieve this 😊

The Mask

Who shall i be today

What mask shall i wear ?

Let’s make it bright a cheery

One that matches my hair.

Inside I feel so fustrated and sad,

No one wants to see that as it makes them feel bad.

Grab my lipstick and draw on a smile,

Hope that it’s durable and lasts for awhile.

Use waterproof mascara in case my eyes leak.

I’ll Just dab with a tissue and smile but not speak.

I’ll listen intently and laugh on que,

Try not to frown people notice that too.

I won’t look at anyone or they’ll want to talk,

When it gets too much I’ll sneak out for a walk.

Go off to bed early and go to sleep for the day ,

I’m so proud of myself i survived hip hooray!

JQ

Sometimes we just have bad episodes. During these episodes we need to go into survival mode.

Do what you need to do to get you through it. Also realise that it’s just a moment and this moment will pass.

Can’t say much more than that as I’m having a moment.

Take care of yourselves 💞

Take a chance and climb ….

Keep your eyes forwards you are almost there,

Don’t look back you’ll give yourself a scare.

Moving forwards is as hard as going back ,

But the future is unknown the last few years have been crap.

One hand at a time just pull yourself higher,

Til’ your whole body’s in pain and your lungs are on fire.

You’ll get there and see the world from a different view,

All of a sudden you won’t feel so blue.

JQ

Don’t Compare….

It’s really difficult when you have a chronic illness, condition or accident that causes disabilities.

I’ve made no secret about the fact I’m unhappy and fustrated with the body I’m in but I guess that’s natural to feel aggrieved when you can’t do what you used to be able to do etc.

Although it’s really difficult try not to compare lives . That was then this is now.

Everytime you look back and compare to your old life before you got sick then you will feel disappointed.

You have got what you have look forwards and look for new adventures and new things to try. Perhaps look for new clubs to join. Go to the gym do just a little and build it up. Buy a handbike . Adapt things.

If there’s one thing I’ve leant is that you’ve got to be pro active in finding things and adapting things for your family and you as there aren’t very many functional support services out there.

Take care of yourself and each other.

Bah Humbug…

Christmas is a time of cheer,

Not for me I often hear.

Lot’s to do and people to see,

A thousand decorations to put on the tree.

The internet shopping til 3am,

Fall asleep, wake up… do the same again.

Searching for that present you just can’t find,

Naughty Santa for leaving it behind!

All that fussing for just one day,

Then you have to tidy up and throw all the rubbish away.

JQ

Coping at Christmas with a chronic illness or disability.

Christmas can be such a stressful time of year . Try and make it easier by writing lists,buying decent scissors to getting a decent tape dispenser for wrapping presents ,all these things make a big difference.

If you can wrap bit by bit then it’s not a massive chore last minute when you are exhausted.

If you have children dont forget to allow to pace for extra school Christmas activities too.

Ultimately remember it’s your Christmas and you can start your own family traditions for your special day. Get the kids involved. It may even provide some activities for you to do together on a wet afternoon leading up to the big day.

Try and enjoy ❄⛄🎄

Bendrigg Trust ….

Bendrigg Trust the time is almost here,

I’m filled with so much excitement and fear.

We have a long history a past so sweet,

It will be so different though when i visit next week.

As a young adult I came and volunteered,

I learnt so much, having a disability wasn’t to be feared.

I never imagined I’d be back one day,

Now the shoe’s on the other foot and I need support to live this way.

It’s a family weekend so I’ll have my children with me,

Couldn’t think of a safer,adapted place to be.

To do activities as a family together once more,

Is the day I’ve been impatiently waiting for .

Joanne Quinnell

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