I’m not going to lie I’m struggling. Acceptance is a problem. I don’t like this person I’ve become, she’s boring.
I keep trying and yes I have little moments of joy when i feel so much happiness.
The R.E.M song ‘Everybody Hurts ‘ struck a chord (do you like that 😉)with me quite a few years ago as well as just again 5 mins ago.
I was 17 I’d left home I guess it was the same but different, let me explain.
My childhood wasn’t great. I’m not going to go into it any further than that but trust me it wasn’t. For different reasons I wasn’t allowed to be who I wanted to be ,I had to conform to a certain way of life. I wasn’t happy but it was all i knew and I was scared.
There was a few other bits too so when i left home I literally felt I was on my own and I was apart from my boss who took me under his wing .
I remember being in the workshop and that song coming on the radio. Physically I was fine but you can imagine how fragile I was mentally at first.
I just listened to the song and I felt that it was what i needed to hear at the time. Just hold on. Just hold on. Just hold on.
I held on oh and I learnt who I was what i liked what i didn’t. I became confident and strong . Fearless, perhaps too much at times. I never looked back . It was like i blossomed.
I was conned into having a large family though as my idea of family life was warped and I always thought it should be like the Waltons or little house on the prairie. Those bloomin programmes should have come with a warning *THIS IS FAKE TV*. They started off all nice with each other. Ok we had a few incidents one when Tyler was about 2/3 because he kept running off in the supermarket. He was told that he couldn’t have a treat at the checkout. He didn’t take that well . He ran through the checkout. Our policy has always been during a tantrum as long as we can see them,leave them to it as they won’t preform without an audience. Tyler had different ideas . He decided that right there and then he would audition for the chipmonks ( I don’t mean the cute furry ones with the squeaky voices either). Yes he was running around butt naked !!
The teenage years oh my goodness they are interesting (have to use that word in case my teenagers read this 😉)
We don’t have goodnight Annabelle, goodnight Theo . We have ‘GET OUT OF MY ROOM’ or ‘MUM HE’S GOT MY CHARGER ‘!
I loved being a mum though. I loved taking my kids away . When they were little we used to go walking at Beacon Fell (a lovely walk not far from here and we either had Steve Irwin adventures and look for crocodiles or we would be listening for the Gruffallo.
We were outdoors all the time . Kayaking club, the beach,camping, walking, picnics then bang after having Denzel in 2010 soon after a hurricane of symptoms one by one after each other.
Now I feel like a disappointment. I can only see the things I can’t do . I don’t know how to change my thinking. I’m trying to get physically as fit as my condition will allow but it’s peaks and troughs which is frustrating too.
So 8 years of being in a NHS whirlpool. It’s driving me mad . A number of diagnosis and a we’ll just settle with FND then . Then other diagnosis from the other doctor’s treating the other parts of the body. Cluster headaches, tmj ,vocal cord dysfunction which they took 7 years to diagnose even though the symptoms have been clearly explained to lots of health care professionals. So I’m fed up to say the least of holding out for somebody to coordinate my care and take me off some of the medication I might not need to be on but I’ve just been on .
So back to the song . I’m feeling fed up . I’m trying. Maybe it’s because I worked so hard to get to where I was and I feel cheated. The debts are stacking because hubby can’t work as much. I’ve had my independence, me ,my spirit taken away.
I feel everything is a fight for your regular injections for example that I have every 3/4 months because I get facial pain and spasms . My consultant has gone so we are left without treatment since January.
Listening to that song took me back to when i was 17 and briefly I remembered how I felt. I’m very much a move on person so I don’t really think about my past as such. I didn’t think I was going to survive, I didn’t know who I was then ,but I held on ,I held on bloody tight and I had my few special people there and I found myself.
I had a good few amazing years too.
So I’m going to hold on just hold on now again and just have the hope that the same thing is going to happen. That I will find me . That I will laugh and be happy and be the mother I feel the children deserve. This is my hope .
In really since changing medication things are better than they were maybe next year I might get even better medication.