See no Evil Hear no Evil .

Pain ,

misery I give up ,

I surrender ,I’m finished…..

Have my body, I give in.

Done with feeling sad about it,

Finished with crying now.

I’ve put up a fight for long enough

I’ve tried to get help every way I know how.

No more dissapointments or appointments thinking that health professionals care.

I’m sick of getting my hopes up

Building myself up all the time thinking someone may be interested but they’re not it just isn’t fair.

So you can have this useless body that you want so desperately.

I’m really not arsed you see as this person is not ME

This body is not MINE , it’s repulsive and just fills everyone with misery.

You have the bits you want and I’m having what’s left

Let’s be very clear you are never going to be a welcome guest .

I hear the word acceptance but I’ll never be happy to accept you

You are an unwelcome stranger who scares me, who stops me breathing and inflicts pain on me and that’s not what guests do.

My psychologist says maybe it’s time to accept I’m never going to know you ,be able to kick you out .

I’m so angry she’s right , but it’s so hard, I keep losing myself because you are an embarrassing lout.

We go out and you bloody fall asleep!! How bloody rude are you !

I explain to people it’s not me it’s you as I wouldn’t do such a thing but they say to each other that it’s so not true.

What is it with the leg shakes? Do you think you are Elvis Presley?!

It’s always when I’m trying to drink a nice cuppa tea but it ends up all over me.

Well you me (us) don’t work anymore as you used to do.

Apart from the hair I really don’t recognize you .

You aren’t in charge of me 100 per cent yet so get lost I’m having these last working bits .

Do what you want to the your bits I’ll have to handle it.!

I’m strong, I have no choice you are there. I can’t accept you though. I can’t be happy about it. How does that work ?

How can you be happy and accept something that you don’t understand it’s berserk.

Sometimes when the pain is really bad in my head it feels like I’m being stabbed.

I wonder if this is it ,if finally you are taking me from my world it’s scary but the pain is so bad.

I may never know you ,or what our future holds.

This I promise to myself the determination ,stubbornness and pride and love I get from within my fold,

Will help me keep going with what little of me is left.

We’ll party and bbq and enjoy life with real friends but remember you are never gonna be my guest.

Joanne Quinnell

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