Ok not quite sure how you people are taking me but the new Twitter page and Blog although set up with the primary target of reaching out to others and trying to raise awareness for disabilities and activities in the community; it’s also intended to help me on my journey .

I still don’t know who i am . Circumstances meant that i became a very strong individual person at aged 17. It was scary then but i bloody loved it. Bit by bit i felt like my body absorbed the worlds energy and sometimes naively felt untouchable. Luckily appart from a couple of battle scars from coming off a push bike oh yes and nearly drowning once from getting stuck in the mud whilst cleaning the barnacles off the hull from a RIB , I’ve got lot’s of brilliant memories.

I’d learnt not to lean on anyone a bit like me Tarzan and Jane.

Fast forward to now………………………………………..

From my other blog you’ll already read that i feel lost . That after becoming ill and having someone do everything for you is so hard and demoralizing. People talk to you differently. I couldn’t be the mum i was, the wife i was the person i was it was like i didn’t know who the “fudge” i was anymore. I didn’t recognise more to the point i detested who I’d become .

This is still a journey for me because you can’t slip back into your old pair of shoes. You can find some new ones that are comfortable but a different style.

So back to the title ‘Panicked ‘. You all know I’ve been going to the gym for the last 3 weeks. Everyday I’ve been slogging away and loving it . I love exercise and i think it’s getting that control thing back. I always start my training by working on the handcycle unassisted no breathing machine to see if my lungs have improved any. Then move to my assisted (with my ventilator on) which are coming on in leaps and bounds by the way 1 1/2hrs today . The personal trainer who is helping me is going above and beyond to support me. It wasn’t easy to go back to the gym from what i was to what i am but because i know him and trust him i did it.

The problem is the Horrible Man is being selfish next week and taking a week off for annual leave. How bloody rude ! How can he do this to me , i need him 😭.(Only Joking). I mean i do just get on with it now in the gym but it’s just as a just in case case am i being silly ?.

So this 43 year old a mere shadow of her former 17 year old self cried when he told me today. How stupid. I hate myself for it too because it’s not what i want to be like . All night I’ve had anxiety. I really don’t want to not go and i owe it to my kids. I’m going to try but i am worked up .